Thursday, June 20, 2013

Serious Today

Happy Series Two Day! It wasn't for me, I had to, like, work or something. Of course, I work for myself, so I could have just bailed and headed off to my friendly local card shop, which is so not local to anywhere that it is best to wait an extra day, in case the delivery guy phoned it in today (I made reservations for tomorrow night). And I do keep my client's interests at heart the best I can, even when there is nothing like doing an absurdly pointless job for a clueless client, overseen by an idiot from the government. Your tax dollars are partially flying out the window on this one, as is the client's money. So it goes. When the going gets surreal, I reach for the serial seriousness of pop culture hobbies.

Hey, Topps doesn't put that on baseball card wrappers any more! You are correct. Here is the bottom of the wrapper:

That's right kids, it's time to get Wacky! As in Wacky Packages. A product from Topps that is a good one! It says so right on the wrapper!

Wait, what's that say? No Kidding. No Way! Sorry Topps, it's too late. Telling me No Kidding about Kidding is like, just kidding, right?

But, Hey, again, back up: what's with the number 4 on the wrapper up there? I thought these orange packs had 10 parodies in them? This pack is from the Dollar Tree store. And they say money doesn't grow on trees. They certainly won't for the guy I'm working for this week. Anyhow, the 4 sticky send-ups cost only a buck. What the ...

And actually, this makes them cost the same as the 10 sticker packs at the grown-up store named Big Box, where they run $2.49 every day. There is a catch though, you'll have to read the back of the pack inserts in the Dollar Tree packs. Topps still assures me that they make no guarantees that their products will accrue additional value in the future, just to be safe. The baseball cards work the same way, though they are 5/buck, but without inserts. I'm still evaluating the cost of that vs blasters, rack packs, jumbos, fat packs, what have you. Probably more expensive at the $ Tree slightly, but at least I won't have to worry about getting a hit of some sharpie scrawl of some also-ran that I then have to worry about figuring how to find some sucker to buy it from me somehow. Yes, auto-relic mania has come to the world of Wacky Packages too. Woo-hooon't. Actually, no "relics" in there. Yet. Though Topps should get their butt in gear on that idea. Hint hint. That's what Wacky Packages should be all about.....spoofing goofy products, especially their own. It says so right on the wrapper.

But I wanted to be less serious tonight, and try and be more real, sir. So I thought forcing myself to evaluate a single quatrain of sillyness might do the trick:

Boom! A lead-off home-run! The Hamburglar picks up the Hippie Girl! That purple creature-thing on the Mickey D's commercials finally makes sense. But that's not why I dig this one so much, you dig, although I've been anticipating it since my last foray into Wacky World. No, I pull on my sad sack over just another dumb job that has me feeling like I'm just punching the time-clock of stupidity, and Topps keeps it real for me: "Have Fun Now - You'll Be Stuck Working Here Later!"

So yeah, things could be worse. I might need to go to the dentist:

Actually, I do need to go to the dentist. Which is why I have to keep punching that clock, so I can get all the way back to broke again. Maybe it is a good thing my baseball cards don't have gum in them any more. And maybe I should just blame it all on Monsanto, like my conspiracy theory friends. Topps is ready for them too:

I almost forgot! I read the backs! Topps always gives it's customers value-added products, right, errr, well, what was that the wrapper always says? Anyhow, about half the time you get a puzzle piece on the back of the sticker. Not much value added there, seeing as how the puzzle always just pictures one of the cards in the Series. The other half of the pack, you get bonus entertainment on the back, just like on their wacky baseball cards with that line about The Chase. So it's like 6 gags for a buck....if this keeps up, we'll be back in the 70s before you know it. Topps sure is hard on those hippies though. I wonder what they did to Topps to deserve such satire? Maybe they laughed at those kids playing with baseball cards back when Topps was young.

Fortunately, Topps has it's head on Straight, and can focus sometimes on sending up consumerism. Dig this:

In case you were wondering what lazy Hippies actually do eat. And this sticker led me to test one of my theorems about life in the 21st century - no matter what the topic, there's a website for that.

I'll have to keep things moving here though, and skip over the back of that one. A not-surreal cereal parody that was about as exciting as Josh Hamilton stepping into the batter's box against Jose Valverde. Topps can't hit a home run every time, and they're hitting three-for-four plus a walk so far here, as the McLovin' It sticker featured a puzzle piece on the back.

Or can they?

Ka-Boom! The Ka part comes from the fine print over there on the side of the 'box':

Freaky just got Flabulous! Dang, Topps, making fun of tween toys and using innuendo to do it. I'm feeling a little old here, possibly even creepy. It is a Monster parody though, so maybe that's OK. But I think I should be doing something grown-up now, like heading off to the bar like the other grown-ups do after a dumb day at work. Maybe I'd better read the back of this pick-me-up product and return to my childhood refuge:

I'm speechless. A new Wacky Pack back. It's not a coupon, it's not a puzzle piece. It's a billboard parody. Can you say Series 11, here we come?

But Topps is right as usual. I have to work tomorrow. Cya!

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