The New Baseball Cards Aren't Here! The New Baseball Cards Aren't Here!

I love where I live. I love where I work. I am very fortunate to do what I do. This year at work I have lost track of how many Eagles I have seen, to brag on just one tiny cool thing about it.

But I am rather less happy about being at the edge of nowhere — I live in the Great Lakes and watched the sun rise out of Lake Huron this morning, so I'm always at the edge, not the middle — when it comes time to buy some brand-new baseball cards.

A time when I end up as happy as a Jerky guy in a 1970s movie when the new phone books arrive.

What are phone books? Don't worry about that. They were these clunky things used in the 70s, among other decades, that time has passed by, mostly.

Another clunky thing from the 1970s  are ... Wacky Packages! Fortunately, they are remaining somewhat timeless.

I love it when Topps drops little, or not so little, shout-outs to timeless art masterpieces in their work.

I thought it was rather lucky to be in nowhere land just long enough to still pick up a last pack of Series 10. I don't know if I have a set of it yet; I still have some to rip back at home Base. And indeed I picked up the very last pack available on the rack.

Of course with there being a big baseball game today, I had to pick up just a few more baseball cards somehow. Yesterday I went with a little bit more Topps Chrome (trade list list list updated) and pulled David Ortiz, twice. Naturally, the Tigers lost.

Tonight things went much better. I purchased one last rack/jumbo/fat pack of Trout Turtles, errr, Series 2, to luck my team into victory. And what a phat pack it was: I pulled 3 Miguel Cabrera cards in one pack!  And only one Red Sock - Johnny Gomes, who didn't even make tonight's line-up. Topps nails it shut as the Tigers crush a former White Sock! Thanks Topps! Don't mess with the Topps Voodoo!

Now if only the wizards of Duryea could do something about those durn Update Turtles. The new Sea Turtles are still swimming towards me way up here, and they sure swim slowly.


And if I finally find some Update for sale tomorrow and I pull a Boston Strong parallel....oh dear.


I have a few things left in Series 1 & 2 to babbly-on about, but those will have to wait. Even Turtles reach their destination eventually, though meanwhile I am becoming very, very concerned about my current nearest Friendly Local Card Shop (65 miles from home), which I haven't reached in my review series yet. I want to reserve a "Hobby Jumbo" of Update...but they haven't answered their phone all week. I can only hope and pray the owner is simply on vacation.

Luckily I can still be Wacky!

Perhaps it explains what happened to those sluggardly Sea Turtles still stuck on some semi somewhere: "They've gone AWOOL and are on the lamb!" You slay me Topps, you really do. Nice work pairing that punny masterpiece with more of the same on the back:

I wish I could scan that one for you to walk off every last foot-pun of fun there. You'll just have to shuffle on down to the Big Box store on your own two feet and find one of your very own. Topps is a little better than I with the word footsie on it. Maybe I'll pull a double for ya when I finish ripping Series 10. I do hope to find doubles, triples and quadruples of this one:

Occupy shout-out! Political Wacky! These are rare in the sets but they do appear from time-to-time, and I will be sticking this on some things. I have a few pulled to share with you on some other grumpy no-baseball cards day.

I have mentioned in a previous foray into my original www - the wonderful world of Wackys - how much I like the new mockery theme on the backs, the TV show billboards, like this one:

As usual I am left wondering if these things really are for children. Though whenever I think I know that answer, I immediately find 2 or 3 ho-hum scatological Wackys.

In this Series, perhaps for the first time ever, I really like one of the puzzle subjects:

I like it enough that I might try and figure out how to display the puzzle pieces even, courtesy of this hanger/jumbo/rack/fat pack (I can never get the nomenclature right for those things except for the Series 1 packs with Prince Fielder on the wrapper) which hooked me up with 6 of the 9 puzzle pieces at once. I'm not quite used to such large Packages of Wacky.

Still finding new stuff to make me purchase more stuff while I wait for the new stuff, even in the Wacky Packages. Topps has my number. They even knew to give me a sweet new taste of one of my previous favorites from this Series:

Nice. Primary colors. Orange and blue, like this baseball team I like. I could grow to like these Parallel Wackys.... Ut-ohhh....

Serious Today

Happy Series Two Day! It wasn't for me, I had to, like, work or something. Of course, I work for myself, so I could have just bailed and headed off to my friendly local card shop, which is so not local to anywhere that it is best to wait an extra day, in case the delivery guy phoned it in today (I made reservations for tomorrow night). And I do keep my client's interests at heart the best I can, even when there is nothing like doing an absurdly pointless job for a clueless client, overseen by an idiot from the government. Your tax dollars are partially flying out the window on this one, as is the client's money. So it goes. When the going gets surreal, I reach for the serial seriousness of pop culture hobbies.

Hey, Topps doesn't put that on baseball card wrappers any more! You are correct. Here is the bottom of the wrapper:

That's right kids, it's time to get Wacky! As in Wacky Packages. A product from Topps that is a good one! It says so right on the wrapper!

Wait, what's that say? No Kidding. No Way! Sorry Topps, it's too late. Telling me No Kidding about Kidding is like, just kidding, right?

But, Hey, again, back up: what's with the number 4 on the wrapper up there? I thought these orange packs had 10 parodies in them? This pack is from the Dollar Tree store. And they say money doesn't grow on trees. They certainly won't for the guy I'm working for this week. Anyhow, the 4 sticky send-ups cost only a buck. What the ...

And actually, this makes them cost the same as the 10 sticker packs at the grown-up store named Big Box, where they run $2.49 every day. There is a catch though, you'll have to read the back of the pack carefully.....no inserts in the Dollar Tree packs. Topps still assures me that they make no guarantees that their products will accrue additional value in the future, just to be safe. The baseball cards work the same way, though they are 5/buck, but without inserts. I'm still evaluating the cost of that vs blasters, rack packs, jumbos, fat packs, what have you. Probably more expensive at the $ Tree slightly, but at least I won't have to worry about getting a hit of some sharpie scrawl of some also-ran that I then have to worry about figuring how to find some sucker to buy it from me somehow. Yes, auto-relic mania has come to the world of Wacky Packages too. Woo-hooon't. Actually, no "relics" in there. Yet. Though Topps should get their butt in gear on that idea. Hint hint. That's what Wacky Packages should be all about.....spoofing goofy products, especially their own. It says so right on the wrapper.

But I wanted to be less serious tonight, and try and be more real, sir. So I thought forcing myself to evaluate a single quatrain of sillyness might do the trick:

Boom! A lead-off home-run! The Hamburglar picks up the Hippie Girl! That purple creature-thing on the Mickey D's commercials finally makes sense. But that's not why I dig this one so much, you dig, although I've been anticipating it since my last foray into Wacky World. No, I pull on my sad sack over just another dumb job that has me feeling like I'm just punching the time-clock of stupidity, and Topps keeps it real for me: "Have Fun Now - You'll Be Stuck Working Here Later!"

So yeah, things could be worse. I might need to go to the dentist:

Actually, I do need to go to the dentist. Which is why I have to keep punching that clock, so I can get all the way back to broke again. Maybe it is a good thing my baseball cards don't have gum in them any more. And maybe I should just blame it all on Monsanto, like my conspiracy theory friends. Topps is ready for them too:

I almost forgot! I read the backs! Topps always gives it's customers value-added products, right, errr, well, what was that the wrapper always says? Anyhow, about half the time you get a puzzle piece on the back of the sticker. Not much value added there, seeing as how the puzzle always just pictures one of the cards in the Series. The other half of the pack, you get bonus entertainment on the back, just like on their wacky baseball cards with that line about The Chase. So it's like 6 gags for a buck....if this keeps up, we'll be back in the 70s before you know it. Topps sure is hard on those hippies though. I wonder what they did to Topps to deserve such satire? Maybe they laughed at those kids playing with baseball cards back when Topps was young.

Fortunately, Topps has it's head on Straight, and can focus sometimes on sending up consumerism. Dig this:

In case you were wondering what lazy Hippies actually do eat. And this sticker led me to test one of my theorems about life in the 21st century - no matter what the topic, there's a website for that.

I'll have to keep things moving here though, and skip over the back of that one. A not-surreal cereal parody that was about as exciting as Josh Hamilton stepping into the batter's box against Jose Valverde. Topps can't hit a home run every time, and they're hitting three-for-four plus a walk so far here, as the McLovin' It sticker featured a puzzle piece on the back.

Or can they?

Ka-Boom! The Ka part comes from the fine print over there on the side of the 'box':

Freaky just got Flabulous! Dang, Topps, making fun of tween toys and using innuendo to do it. I'm feeling a little old here, possibly even creepy. It is a Monster parody though, so maybe that's OK. But I think I should be doing something grown-up now, like heading off to the bar like the other grown-ups do after a dumb day at work. Maybe I'd better read the back of this pick-me-up product and return to my childhood refuge:

I'm speechless. A new Wacky Pack back. It's not a coupon, it's not a puzzle piece. It's a billboard parody. Can you say Series 11, here we come?

But Topps is right as usual. I have to work tomorrow. Cya!

All-New Series! Let's rip a pack

So I can't wait on these any longer. I actually picked this pack up maybe a couple weeks ago on a trip to the big red bulls-eye to uhh, get some freeze-dried fruit snacks they have there, for my healthy oatmeal in the morning. Yeah. No, no "blasters" involved. Uhh-uhh. Just healthy snacks. Yeah, that's the ticket.

I did take a peek at a certain aisle by the cash registers, and there were these stickers I like though. The only place I've seen them this spring. I think the managers of most of the Big Box stores know when they are being made fun of, and they retaliate by giving their shelf space to Angry Birds Dog Tags instead.

But it's time to explore All-New Series 10. I haven't even cracked any Series 9 yet, though I do have some packs safely tucked away in a travel bag for one of those sad evenings when the internet is down in another one of the bizarrely remote undisclosed locations that are my typical jobsites. First, the wrapper, always a clue to the proceedings:

I think we're in for some poop jokes, and plenty of techno satire, and the usual fun with consumer products.

My first sticker:

Well, a video-game parody, just as predicted on the wrapper. I guess this as good a place as any to explain a little of what draws me to Wacky Packages — there is usually one, sometimes two stickers per Series that are almost entirely going to be humorous for adults, rather than kids. This sticker here could have upped the grown-up level somehow with any sort of reference to Angelina Jolie, but it did not. Oh well.

2nd Sticker:

A standard Wacky. Take a package, change all the words. The graphics are getting pretty tight there, they must use computer software these days or somethin'. Nice penguin....would make a nice icon for fun somewhere if stripped off with some computer software or somethin'.

3rd Sticker:

Never takes long with Wackys. Scatological humor, also as hinted on the wrapper.

4th Sticker:

Ahh, back to a purely painted Piece. Classically Wacky.

5th Sticker:

But wait, where's the blue button? Everyone knows there is a blue light saber. No blue Life Savers though. And hey, what is that black line in the rest of the pack of stickers there????

6th Sticker:

Ding-Ding! A joke kids won't get, with that ear there. Oh, yeah, y'all collect baseball cards. Somehow I doubt most of you have a Bucket List entry of again visiting one of the greatest museums in the world, in a foreign country, across the street from their Rijksmuseum. Can doing something a 2nd time be a valid Bucket List entry? And what does Modeling Clay have to do with painting a masterpiece? Kind of just a soft lazy fly to the center fielder here Topps; he takes two steps to his left and makes the easy catch.

7th Sticker:

Is this another poop joke? I'm confused now Topps. Maybe I'm too old for these.

8th Sticker:

Oooooh! A Hit! Number Six of only Ten! Get eBay on the phone! The phone? Does eBay even have a phone? Oh, wait, it's not a Hit, it's an insert sticker. One of the "Awful Apps." I didn't know eHarmony had an app. If I signed up for eHarmony and listed Baseball Cards as an interest, do you think I would ever make it to this here eA app? Maybe. After all, it looks like someone at Topps just went through a divorce. But, I guess if you have a job in Baseball Cards, that would work a little better on eHarmony. I might have to try this eHarmony / Baseball Cards angle. Now that would be a blog post or three. Or none, the expected level of action on that goofy idea.

9th Sticker:

I'm on a roll now. A parallel! Silver border parallel, 1-in-3 packs. Nice Wacky comment line there on the bottom.

10th and final Sticker:

Now, I'm flustered. Every Series seems to have this. Kind of an un-labeled parallel. The bulk of the stickers have one color, and there is an easy to come by parallel border color, and there is usually a really hard one - Gold in this Series, 1-in-355 packs. I hope I start to pull some when I finally get my Hobby Case, that is like 2 weeks late shipping, again. And then there are these. Is this a parallel? What color is that anyway? Wal-Mart Blue? Didja ever notice that the so-called "Wal-Mart Blue" is nowhere near the color blue on the Wal-Mart sign out in front of the store? And seriously, how can I put this one in the binder? It doesn't go with the Black ones. I just got my first Silver. Should I start a new binder page for it? Will there be more of these? How can Topps not answer this crucial question???!!!???? Can you believe they are the only company that makes Wacky Packages, now and forever? The monopoly is so unfair! They _always_ pull this gimmicky crap. I'm so sick of it! I buy their products like an addict, and they keep feeding me this BS! Every time! I'm calling Topps customer service. They have a phone, and a phone #. And I have that phone #. On speed dial. They _never_ answer my email anyway. But I can hit re-dial as much as I want!

Tony the Tiger is possibly one of the All-Time Leaders in Wacky Packages. And I like the "Khaos" logo, a lot - a bit of a head scratcher for a kid that was laughing at the Bean Jerky sticker. And 'Testy' the Tiger. But overall this one is more of a swing and a pop-up, not deep, the 2nd baseman is drifting back, now he waits on the ball...and he's got it. Topps is out for this inning.

Favorite Sticker: Play-Gogh. Close, but not quite. There is a lot more of this Series to go, thogh.

Least Favorite Sticker: Rold Cold. It's about the "art" Topps. Try and remember that.

But wait, wait....what about the backs? Oh yeah, I Read the Backs.

No real back for the "Awful App". Of the other 9 stickers, we get 3 faux-coupons:

No worries for Polar Pete here. I prefer when the coupons are for made-up things, rather than just the sticker ideas that got sent to AAA. The expiration dates are the only (slight) saving grace on these.

And then there are the puzzles, I got pieces from 2 of them:

Normally the puzzles are from stickers in the Series. So I think there will be a Newts-and-Adders sticker. Let's hope there is a Gingrich joke on it, but I doubt it.

I got 4 pieces of the other puzzle:

Looks like a Hippie themed McDonalds sticker. Oh, the irony, and two memes always ripe for satire. A couple of my favorite Wackys ever, aside from the original Beastball way back there at the top (note  the Terror company, rather than Flopps), are a couple that poke fun at the hippie crowd. I'm looking forward to pulling it from a pack. I'll be collecting these a pack at a time when I see one. And I have that stash of Series 9 to open some boring day, not that I have many of those in the spring-time. And then, of course, it's time to Collect 'Em! Trade 'Em!

P.S. And what about those "Hits"? A Topps product MUST have HITS, right? Tell me there are Hits to be pulled, my hands are starting to get a little shaky here. Yup, even Wacky Packages have hits now. Here are the odds. You'll have to squint and read them yourself:

Good Luck!

So who's Polar Pete anyway?

Just "home" from a great face-to-face trading session with William from Foul Bunt. Always nice to meet a great baseball fan. I travel a lot for work, so I hope to meet some more baseball card bloggers someday. I'll sort out the results soon I hope. Can never get caught up with sorting baseball cards. Can you?

If you have been thinking about meeting up with some random blogger that is not too far from you, I suggest you get together and trade some cardboard. You'll be glad you did.

So I've been saving up an easy post for some night when I don't have much time to bloggle about some random thing I saw on a baseball card. This might make for a head-scratcher on the blogrolls where mostly just the header image shows, but I believe in credit where credit is due. Plus, after a great night of baseball cards, I think it's time to change gears a little.

When I was setting this blog up I scrolled through the photos on my laptop for something to use for a background shot, and found the one above. I stripped off the © Topps part of the card, cuz I wouldn't want anyone to think there was some legitimate connection between my babblings and that company from Duryea (how would you like to explain that name as your hometown?) or Brooklyn or The Great Cornfield Baseball Diamond In The Sky or wherever it is that Topps baseball cards wonderfully appear from. Ireland?

So now you know. But in what Topps product did a Polar Pete faux coupon appear in?

Naturally, it was this one:

I love Wacky Packages. I even have a mis-mash of packs waiting for me to rip, so now that I blog blog blog, I'll probably do that here one night. I even have a half-dozen packs from like 6 series ago that I got at the Dollar Store. Oh what treasures might be contained.

I am always disappointed when I go in a subculture shop and they have never even heard of Wacky Packages, let alone have any for sale. I am always delighted when I find Wacky Packages inside a Big Box store, gently mocking all the rest of the products therein.

Unfortunately for historical accuracy, I can no longer match up the Polar Pete coupon to the actual Wacky sticker that was on the front of the 'card'. Maybe someday this summer when I truly have nothing else to do I'll figure that out. Yeah, right.

I think in the world of Comics and Comic Cons, the artists behind Wacky Packages get some recognition. I hope so. I'm not one to ever wander into that scene much at all, at least not far past the wonderful world of Wacky Packages. But I have always been impressed that Topps has always put interesting artists to work. I hope they continue to do so. There is a whole galaxy of them featured in Juxtapoz magazine pretty regularly that I think Topps should use as their AAA affiliate for such efforts. Which could even hybridize with their sports cards efforts. It's happened before...but that's another post for another wish list day.

Now it turns out that naturally all of the 20 coupons from that Series 1 release a half-dozen years ago are available online for your enjoyment. But back then I didn't dream up that possibility, so I had several of them scanned in. Here is another favorite:

I think a lot people on the Internet should use these. I wish Topps would have made the actual sticker for it.

Sometimes, I can't believe Topps makes these things for kids:

So insidiously subversive sometimes. This one, perhaps not so much, but it amuses me. I'm sure I'll post lots of Wacky stuff goin' down the road feelin' sad.

That bit of not-quite-kid humor reminds me of my favorite Laffy Taffy joke. Oh, yes, I love Laffy Taffy jokes too. You've never heard of Laffy Taffy jokes? Pity for you. I guess I need to "collect" some of them. Topps won't sell me gum any more, so I gotta satisfy my palette's sweet tooth simultaneously with my subconscious one somehow too.

I kinda wish I had a copy of the best one ever...if I did it would now become part of this post. Oh, wait, I forgot. Everything ever is already on the Internet:

Ouch. Sorry, kid, you were just forced to grow up a little tiny bit.

Though that one is actually a kinder, gentler, variation of the original, which has a much lower number. "What is the hardest kind of tea to swallow? Reality."

Sorry, surreality fans, no time to track down an image of that one. You'll have to complete that completist assignment on your own time/dime. A bit of homework for you.